Thou Shalt Not Watch Violence

WASHINGTON, April 25 — Concerned about an increase in violence on television, the Federal Communications Commission on Wednesday urged lawmakers to consider regulations that would restrict violent programs to late evening, when most children would not be watching.

The commission, in a long-awaited report, concluded that the program ratings system and technology intended to help parents block offensive programs — like the V-chip — had failed to protect children from being regularly exposed to violence.

First Gov successfully removed swear words from our children's vocabulary by banning them from television. Then sexually explicit images were banned, and eliminated all thoughts of sex from children's minds. While no one is yet arguing that violence be completely abolished, restricting what times violent shows can be viewed is obviously the next logical step towards ensuring pure hearts and minds of future generations.

While well intentioned, V-Chips and ratings systems alone will not get the job done. These optionable mechanisms allow 9 out of 10 parents to avoid using them. This V-Chip's failure lies with the existence of choice, and when choices are allowed, wrong ones will be made.

I can already see problems in the future, though. I like to Tivo shows and watch them at my convienence, usually earlier in the day than they were originally on. Creating a system with loopholes like this never works out as intended, so I'd like to offer a suggestion. Rather than limiting the times that violence can be aired, simply reverse the way the V-Chip works. Programming of all types could be aired at any time of day, but could only be viewed with an appropriately taxed chip.

Since kids don't pay taxes, they obviously couldn't watch.

Pelosi Defends "Message"

Trying to relax after a recent road trip, Speaker Pelosi was badgered with all sorts of harassing questions. When asked about the Saudis impressions of Democrats' plans to withdraw from Iraq she replied,

Well, we — in our meeting in Saudi Arabia, it really more related to the purpose of our trip ... What we went to the Middle East was to convey a message of ... where we are in agreement with the president. So our differences are what we debated in the States. What we stand together on is ... the message that we took.

Sure, it all makes sense now.. but what about later?

The Taxman Giveth

I'd like to take a moment out of an otherwise unengaged day to thank all of the hard working Americans on which we depend.

As most of you are now aware, the time of year is rapidly approaching in which you square up your debt to Gov. While many view this period as a somber moment of reflection, those as fortunate as myself are thankful.. nay.. joyful, at what Gov has provided for us.

This year my IRS fund has shown an astounding gain of 115%. I know not everyone can enjoy returns like this, but I think this stands to prove the old adage of 'Where there are winners, there must be losers.' Thanks to those losers, I'll have a little extra cash in my pocket.

I hope that in the future, Gov decides to dispense with the contribution limits, but for now I'll be thankful for what I'm given.