Subvictims

The Reverend Jesse Jackson, in speaking to the University of Chicago's Gleacher Center, invoked the name of Gov to help the downtrodden victims of the latest self-caused crisis: The subprime mortgage collapse.

These innocent, credit-impaired homeowners, were duped into signing multi-page contracts which no average person could possibly fathom. Bordering on criminal negligence, industry specific terms are used to confuse the reader and lull them into a state of submissiveness. Terms like "adjustable rate" appear casually strewn throughout the documents, until they become as meaningless as "delinquency".

The numbers are grim. Last month alone there were more than 130,000 foreclosures, a pace which could have all of America homeless in less than 120 years. "What we must do now is begin to ask for some bailout of victims of this crisis," pleaded Rev. Jackson. "We must come together and engage in mass protests and make this an issue in the presidential debates." While acknowledging that some may be reluctant to ask for help in overcoming their negligence, Jackson scowled, "They either protest publicly and collectively, or they die silently in the dark."

The good Reverend was also asked what his bailout plans would include to solve this crisis. After an awkwardly placed moment of silence for the victims, sidekick John Taylor chimed in, "What that would consist of is the federal government stepping in and declaring a moratorium on these foreclosures. Second, working with the Federal Housing Administration to work with the lending community, Wall Street in particular, to not foreclose but to restructure the loans into the terms and conditions people were getting in the first place."

I'm sorry to disagree with John, but setting people up with the same contracts they signed in the first place is only going to prolong the problem. The only solution at this point is to annul all contracts and obligations, and simply leave these people alone. I think they've suffered enough.

Preventing a Nuclear 9-11

Adding to the immeasurable list of issues that have been neglected since the start of the war in Iraq, spiritual leader hopeful Bill Richardson assailed the Bush administration for failing to prevent a nuclear attack on American soil. He briefly alluded to the need to invade the former Soviet Union and "secure Russian nuclear materials."

The speech continued on to include apocalyptic visions of the destruction of New York City and Washington DC, and outlined current threats of nuclear materials being in the hands of Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, Pakistan, Britain, and France. Richardson warned, "This is a catastrophe waiting to happen. We need to close down or phase out as many of these facilities as we can, and rapidly secure all materials of potential interest to terrorists."

Later, during the question and answer period after his speech, Richardson drew on the highly successful 'first 100 hours' campaign that dealt a crushing blow to Republicans in the last election. His first week in office was laid out as follows:

Day 1: Bring an end to war in Iraq.
Day 2: Cut U.S. dependence on foreign oil.
Day 3: Tackle global warming.
Day 4: Bring an end to disease and pestilence.
Day 5: End poverty and hunger.
Day 6: Create peaceful sustainable utopia.
Day 7: Sit back and watch freedom reign.

Govspeed.

Obama: Social Darwinism Blasphemous

"The Government's job is to make life easy!" declared Deacon Barack Obama during a speech to the Communications Workers of America.

Deacon Obama continued to excommunicate the current administration for maintaining it's ungovly policy of unenforced inequality. "It's a strategy that we've seen this administration pursue over the last six years, that basically says government has no role to play in making sure that America is prosperous for all people and not just some," the Deacon said, receiving a hearty "Hallelujah!" from the crowd.

Deacon Clinton was also on hand for the revival, and sharply condemned the government's actions after September 11. She said she wished President Bush would have used the opportunity of a unified nation after the terrorist attacks to provide universal health care, rather than pursuing the terrorists that perpetrated the attack.

Lowlife Scumbag Smokes Pot

A judge who had a secondary role in the recent Anna Nicole Smith proceedings was charged with smoking marijuana in a city park, police said Monday.

Lawrence Korda was smoking marijuana while sitting under a tree Sunday, police said. Three officers who were training there saw Korda and field-tested the cigarette, said Capt. Tony Rode, a police spokesman.

The judge was not arrested. He was given a misdemeanor citation to appear in court.

"Judge Korda was not given special treatment because of his status as a circuit court judge," Rode said. "He was provided with a notice to appear. That's exactly what 99 percent of other offenders would have been given for this type of offense."

What a pathetic loser. He probably started smoking pot as a kid, dropped out of school, turned to a life of crime, and ended up with a dead end job as a circuit court judge.

Lesson learned.

An Inconvienent Lardass

Between the years 1970 and 2000, American's calorie intake has increased nearly 25%. This has led to an astounding 62% of Americans being overweight.

Doctors have long recommended an average calorie intake of 2000 calories per day, but the growing availability of food coupled with convenience driven lifestyles, has led Americans to consume more than their fair share. The rest of the world is beginning to take notice, and some are starting to take action.

Young entrepreneurs across third world countries, seeing the growing problem of obesity in America affect their would-be supplies of food aid, have developed a model that would restrict each person's consumption of calories to a recommended level. Any food eaten over that level would require the purchase of a 'calorie offset' either from a person that has chosen to limit their own intake, or is taking part in a federally certified calorie burning exercise program.

Calorie offset skeptics claim that a person should be allowed to eat whatever they choose, but many people are starting to disagree with that sentiment. Proponents of the calorie offset initiative state that it will not only increase the food supplies of the world, but also the amount of available medical aid. According to 1998 National Health Accounts data, overweight and obese health care costs totaled over $78 billion dollars, nearly three times the current US foreign aid budget.

A major promoter of offsetting calories has been former Vice President Al Gore. Recently it has been estimated that Mr Gore consumes 20 times more calories than the average American. He has defended his gluttony by stating that his calorie intake is proportionate to his size and is currently offset by his rigorous exercise routine. His detractors have been pointing fingers at his lifestyle and claiming hypocrisy at his consumption of fast foods during his tour to promote the new DVD release of his exercise video.

Across the globe however, calorie offsets are steamrolling in popularity. At 1000 calories per calorie credit, the estimated 450 million malnourished people in the world would be able to generate 900 million calorie credits. With a rate of just 50 cents per calorie credit, each calorie offset aggregator would earn approximately 1 dollar per day, an amount which some experts say would provide life's basic needs -- education, health care, and nutritious food.

Much of the world has yet to implement a formal calorie offset program. Currently offsets are done strictly on a volunteer basis.

Recently I had a chance to speak with Mohammed, a 12 year old Ethiopian boy who says he is dying to get into the calorie offset program. When I asked what he would do with the money he earned by offsetting American's eating habits, he replied, "Probably buy some rice."

A Solution

With this scientific model, experts have estimated that Al Gore's head can absorb or deflect 85% of the sun's most harmful rays. "As the head continues to expand, efficiency will improve exponentially", said Dr. John Parsons.

Dwarfed.

Recent flooding in Bolivia has displaced thousands and left over 40 dead. As usual, the United States just isn't doing enough to help.

TRINIDAD, Bolivia – A U.S. cargo plane delivered medicine and supplies Monday to Bolivia's flood-ravaged eastern lowlands, yet American aid was dwarfed by a $15 million pledge from regional rival Venezuela.

Ahh yes.. that old friendly rivalry between the United States and thuggish dictators.

The $1.1 million U.S. donation included vaccinations, pumps, towels and fresh water, as well as cash to help repair the region's washed-out highways and a donation to the local Red Cross branch. Monday's delivery brings total U.S. flood aid to $1.5 million.

But Venezuela's socialist government has pledged $15 million in aid, sending a squadron of helicopters to deliver food to remote villages isolated by the floodwaters.

The US has already delivered $1.5 million worth of aid, but is beaten out by a pledge of aid to come at an unspecified time..

But really.. what's another 15 million, when Chavez has already pledged over a billion dollars to assist in oil projects, dissemination of propaganda, and cocaine production.

Since populist President Evo Morales took office last January, Chavez has dramatically stepped up aid to Bolivia, pledging more than a billion dollars for Bolivian petroleum projects, community radio stations and even a factory to make tea from coca leaves.

And through it all, Morales has been able to keep his bearings and point his finger directly where it belongs.. the rich.

Separated: Fools and Money

Recently, a whole host of websites have popped up to offer individuals forgiveness for their polluting sins. But what is the actual cost of relieving oneself of guilt?

My Carbon Debt offers to offset 1 tonne of your indulgences at £12 [$23.11 USD] At Easy Being Green, they promise to reduce CO2 pollution by 1 tonne for every AU$20 [$15.82 USD] spent on a carbon neutral product or gift. Carbon Planet recommends that you set up an ongoing subscription at AU$23 [$17.86 USD] every month. A ton of CO2 at Native Energy goes for a seemingly discounted rate of $12, but Carbonfund.org has the best value for your guilt at a mere $5.50 per ton, and is tax deductible as well!

Just for reference sake, at the Chicago Climate Exchange, we can see that the current market value of 1 ton of CO2 has been hovering around $4.

After browsing through all of this, I don't want to hear any more about enviromentalist wackos being anti-business. Even the treehuggers understand capitalism and exploiting fears for a buck.

Statement of Faith

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Here at The Church of Separation, we understand our forefathers true intent behind declaring that congress shall make no law that shows respect for a religious establishment.

For there is no Gov, but Gov.

He is the provider, the defender, and the beacon from which all wisdom emanates. Of the people, by the people, and for the people, He stands in three part harmony with the people. He is the Holy Trinity of Leaders, Creators, and Enforcers and He is a jealous Gov. To deny the power of Gov is to forsake the very foundation of society. There can be no unknowns and no questions, for Gov controls all. His word is law, His judgment sure, and His execution inevitable.

We vow to defend Gov against all enemies and support Him in all His aspirations. We stand with Gov in the face of those who would usurp His authority. We will employ all powers which Gov has sparingly granted us to facilitate His rule. We are the First Amendmentist Church of Separation.

We submit to Gov. We live for Gov. We love Gov.